BOSTON, Mass – Remember the 2001 movie “Shallow Hal” – a cruel, sophomoric comedy – starring Jack Black? Lately, my days and weekends are starting to blend into one-dimensional, small-minded episodes.
Talk about spates of trivial pursuits, try this inconsequential daily routine.
Wake up. Let the dog out. Check weather forecast. Read morning paper. Feed the dog. Check emails. Slip out of night pajama’s into gym clothes. Slurp down OJ. Go for 3-mile jog. Walk the dog. Read the paper. (again). Check emails. (again) Slurp down OJ. (again) Check weather. (again) Eat. Slip into day pajama’s (again)
Right before the coronavirus hit, (not that I am counting but the lockdown started March 23), every day was exciting. My days were filled with challenges and obstacles. It was a blast to make a list of 10-things to-do, and then check off 8 of them. For me, that was a great day. I miss those days!
The world has changed since this voluntary quarantine started. I don’t have COVID-19 and I don’t want it. Strange, but after all the numbers are dissected, I don’t anyone who has it or anyone who has died from it.
When your whole day looks like a blank chalkboard what could be worse than the Governor issuing a golf ban? I’d do anything to play 18 holes. There are 44 states allowing golf. Never would I think my priority is feeding me and my trusty Cavalier King Charles Spaniel – Bently!
My shallow daily routine can be summarized to 10 essential questions:
1) What do I want for breakfast?
2) Has Bently been let out?
3) What does Bently want for breakfast?
4) What do I want for lunch?
5) What route should I take to walk Bently?
6) Has the golf ban been lifted?
7) What’s my NETFLIX choice for tonight?
8) Is it too early to start drinking?
9) What do I want for dinner?
10) What (expletive) day is it?
We are told by government officials that everything will reopen May 4. No sports. No golf. I refuse to watch reruns on Golf Channel. And, I don’t dare step on the scale. You’ve heard of the “freshman-15” well I’m looking at the “corona-15.” In the last five weeks I have overloaded on corny, uninspiring movies including a few absurd reality shows.
Today, at this unimportant moment in Massachusetts golf lockdown time, I have one grueling, compelling question: Am I desperate enough to watch (again) the entire seven-episode series of “Tiger King”?
Eat! Sleep! Watch NETFLIX! Repeat!
How shallow is your day?